Only two things are successful in distracting me from the miserable existence that is my life – sleep and exercise. Sadly, my employer selfishly refuses to let me chose a start time that allows me to get my preferred ten hours minimum (and trying to go to sleep at 9pm is impossible!). So instead I seek my solace in exercise.
In my post 30 years my legs depressingly now need 2-3 days minimum recovery time following a game of football (my preferred vehicle for exercising), so I’m now left with little alternative than to spend more time at the gym. At this time of year, there is a sudden influx of podgy people in pristine Lycra popping up, much to the chagrin of the regular gym users. But I welcome these arrivistes; they have noble life transformation intentions, they appear to be vaguely normal and they’ll be gone in a month, which is sadly not the case for the regular gym users.
I have tried to ignore these dedicated gym people, but a diet of protein powder and steroids (probably) appears to result in an acute case of adult ADHD. My mission to find serenity is oft interrupted by the clatter of weights as some macho man drops them from a great height. The urge to wander over and inquire “those a bit heavy for you mate?” is difficult to resist, but I remind myself that their sense of humour isn’t likely to be as well-honed as their physique. I observed another individual, who after carefully glancing over both shoulders, lifted his vest so that he could admire his midriff in the mirror. Sadly, he did not share such admiration for my laughter, which could not be contained. Perhaps he was engaging in some kind of mating ritual, much like a baboon baring its backside.
All this would be tolerable, but sadly it is not enough for these meat heads to just make fools of themselves. Whilst quietly minding my own business one evening, I was approached and propositioned with “want to do arms?” This caught me off guard and, in a state of blind panic, I agreed. ‘Doing arms’ it turns out is actually just doing endless permutations of bicep curl exercises with increasingly heavy weights. I was on the verge of pointing out that the human arm consists of more than just a bicep, but a thought occurred to me. This is just efficiency in action. Why waste your efforts trying to exercise all of your body when you can focus on a single muscle and exercise the shit out of it. Not sure how this guy will be able to find clothing that fits biceps that are three times bigger than the rest of his body mind. Although that does explain the vest.
So New Year gym joiners, I welcome you. You may get in the way, you may hog equipment whilst chatting on your phone and you may soon be gone, but whilst you’re here you dilute the amount of twats that normally inhabit this place. It makes me wonder if that oft used gym adage should be given a New Year makeover to read ‘no pain, no shame’.